Working for a living..

Work. Work. Work. Just to make a living. I finally understand why parents gripe about money. Sure, it may be easy to get the money. Depending on your job. But hell the money sure as shit dont go to far. I know that what I do is a relatively easy job. & I dont work too many hours, but hell I have a newfound respect for all people out there supporting their families. I think that all people that at least ahve a job, and are able to provide for their family should be recognized. Because realistically they may not have all the money in the world, but at least they're trying to provide. At least they can put something on the dinner table and feel good about themself that they were able to do that. Whereas therer are some people who are grown ups, and they dont even have a job themselves. Not even a part time on. How they manage to survive, well I do know the answer to that because I know someone who is a grown up& doesnt provide for their family. They decide to live off government money, child support which is meant for the children , and their sugar daddy , or someone with money. It is not fair what they do. Since people that actually do work are paying for those kinds of people to live. People come on!! How do you feel good about yourself? Because I know I wouldnt if I were living off of other people. Sure I know I have for the past years of life, but thats reasonable I was a child. There was no way I could support myself. Now the people out there that are supported by other people, well most are damn well capable enough to support themselves. Or at least try to. Even if its a part time job, they would at least feel some pride because they can look after their family. And who really cares if a part time job is all you can get. Its not a big deal, at least you're trying. Sure you may not be able to afford all the cool new electronics, and such but at least you're doing the best that you can. People who live off others should be ashamed of themselves.

amazing day..

Today was not an average day for me. I woke up early. Actually I was awakened. During the summer you should know that I do not like to get up early on the days I do not have to work. Anyways, I was awakened and then suckered into going downtown with the father. So, I went like the good daughter I am. *cough cough* To my dismay my father decided he'd bring his little red wagon. I will be the first to admit that it is almost heartbreakingly cute to see him walking down the street pulling a wagon behind him. But back to the point, we were walking down the street, and he's got this wagon with him. No big deal really. Just getting a shit ton of people staring and laughing. But hey, haters gonna hate. So it was mainly smooth sailing all the way down town, but like I said we had people staring or laughing. Then at the top of the hill the father decided we should take a break. I wasn`t complaining. At that point I was sweating like a man.. although I was wearing a knit sweater which probably didnt help the sweating like a man problem. So we sat, and just kinda talked about nothing.. I happened to look across the street, and there goes someone who looked awfully familiar climbing up a big, and I mean *BIG* ladder. I was still sitting there half listening to the father because I was trying to decipher, non chalantly if the man climbing the ladder was who I thought it was. I never did find out if it was who I thought it was.AH. The father decided we should keep moving before I had the chance to find out who it was. We continued our journey. Oh what an adventure it was. Of course we had people staring , but ast that point I didnt care anymore. We stopped off to drop off some empty beer cans. Ew. Stale beer smells like ass. I got some on my hand, and sometimes I swear I can still smell it, although I have washed my hands more than once. I guess Im just not going to forget that smell anytime soon. We continued on after that, we got our groceries... and then headed to the LCBO. But on our way to the LCBO, there were several attractive guys. And of course I had to be with the father who was pulling a wagon. & of course those guys had to look over and notice that I was with the father pulling the wagon. But whatever I know I never  really had a chance with them anywhom. aha.
We got to the LCBO we bought the beer we needed and the other alchol we needed. As we were in the checkout line, ``the bush man"got in line behind us. He struck up a conversation with the father. Goody, just my luck. The bush man decided it would be nice to offer us a ride home since he lives around the corner from us. The father had decided that no we could walk, but it seemed like the bush man was not giving up. Finally he persuaded to the father to drive us home. I was not exactly thrilled about the idea of being in a car with him, but I was grateful for the ride nontheless. I honestly didnt think I could handle anymore man sweating, or obnoxious stares. And I guess the ride with the bush man wasnt so bad, I am alive to tell the story after all.

Little Moments

I really enjoy days like today. We had such a good time, and all we did was sit and talk. I would love for everyday to be like that. There is no need for expensive trips, no need to plan anything out. With you we dont need that because we fall into a perfect rythm. We talk, we laugh. And its the kind of comfort I love. We do stupid shit too. Which makes everything a whole lot better. I can relate to you, even though you're the parent. You make it clear that you're not perfect, and that its perfectly fine that Im not either. You've shown me that you have made mistakes, and its ok for me to make them as well. I can consider you my friend. And I never thought I'd be able to consider, an adult, especially my parent , a friend. It takes an extraordinary person to do that, and Im glad its you!

comforting moonlight.

I love the nights where the moon is full and bright. I set myself a seat up on the highest point, I can get to. I can just lay there. Replay good&bad memories, but be completely at ease alone in the moonlight with just my thoughts. My best descions are made in that time. I truly can get a grip on my life. I can look back on my mistakes, and realise that there are changes I need to make to better myself. I can come to grips with myself, and realise my wrongs, in which need to be rightened. The moon is my saving grace. Without it shining full and bright, without its comfort I know I'd be forever lost. I appreciate the bright and shining moments it gives me a chance to clear my head, restart and feel refreshed&rejuvinated.

opinion;

I love when lyrics of a song speak to me, when I understand the message the song is repersenting. I love when I can relate to the lyrics. It makes me not feel so alone. I love when I can lose myself in a song. I remeber on my low days I could listen to any number of "depressing songs" and by the end of the song, I'd be tearing up. I like knowing that artists can connect to their fans. How the artist shows that they have real emotions, and that they're more like their fans than most people think.

If only I could actually tell you ..

Dear Dad, 
I know I never tell you that I love you, and I know that it will be too late when I finally can. I know that I love you, but I just cant voice the words. Please know that I do love you. I know I need to say that, but its too hard to say the words. I appreciate all you do! Please know that too. You work so hard to provide for our family, and I cant thank you enough! Dont ever feel like you're not good enough, or not doing the best that you can, because I know you are working to your full potential. You have put up with so much shit, that you didnt even need to just to make this family work! You are a one of a kind man!! You're the greatest guy in my life, and always will be! Dont ever forget that I love you, even though I dont say it.
xoxox Emma.

Blaahh.

The memories of us are unbearable to think about. They are what made us so close.
~Now that he doesn't want his place, and he forgets what he was to me, it makes it so hard to go on. Forgetting someone like him, is like trying to remeber someone you dont know. My pain to him is nothing to him. I cringe when I see him, and I shutter when I hear his name. He is on my mind quite frequently. If only he could understand what he does to me. I know he's trying to be harmless, but I feel more behind his actions. The way he smiles when we're lost in a conversation. The way we can silently sit, and be completely at ease with each other. He's like my best friend, but my feelings towards him are more than a best friend kind of feeling.

I want what I know I can't have.

I stay awake, thinking about possibilities. Thinking about what could have been. In those haunting hours, I know you never were mine, and there was no chance. But seeing you with her makes me feel like I have more to offer than her. I heard that if you love someone you want to see them happy, whether they're with you or not. I want to be happy for you, but it's so hard when I thought we had something going. When I thought you were mine. Even though that whole time I thought you were mine I knew you werent and I didnt want to believe it. And now I do know that you arent& never will be. I'm begining to understand the concept of love even if I dont want to. I hope you are happy, although I secretly hope one day we'll find each other, and start something. I realise that because you chose to be with her she has more to offer than I do. Because you chose her I know that Im not what you want. With that being said, Im glad that we can still be friends. But your girlfriend isnt too fond of that I dont think. She sent me a message, to leave you alone, but yet you chose her, so she shouldnt be worried about anything. Im not going to try to compete because I know I will not win. But I am a winner because you and I are friends .

Untitled;

What you did was wrong. What I did was wrong. Maybe I shouldn't have been so honest.. but then again you were plenty honest with me.. The things you said were so menacing, and hurtful. I know I will never be the child that you wanted. I know I'll never meet your standards. But Im not a perfect person, and you've said that no one is perfect. I want to question that.. If no one is perfect why am I still not good enough. To be good enough for you , do I have to be a low-life, with no path in life? like you. Do I have to be a moucher, and live off of other people for the rest of my life, so that way I'll be an equal? Because I dont know if you know this or not, but I am my own person. I have dreams, but after all of your discouragement I dont think I can possibly can go ahead with my dreams. Its like you're in my head , at all times, and when I come close to do believing in myself, or doing something right, its in that moment when I can hear you in the back of my head telling me "you arent good enough, you wont get far, and that I cant do anything right." I lay awake at night because it eats me inside. I want your demons to leave me alone. I cannot take the brutality anymore. I hate that Im so damaged and have low self esteem, but Im letting it control me, Im letting it run my life, and I dont know how to stop it. I want this to end.. You never should've started this if you knew all along that your plan was to drop me the whole time. If I had've known you were going to drop me out of your life I never would've tried to get through to you, I never would've tried to solve our problems.

Everyday Annoyances

You know I have many problems, and I'm very well aware of them. You don't need to remind me everytime we talk that I have these problems. They shouldn't be what controls our "friendship". If we truly were friends like you claimed we were so many times, you wouldn't be always bringing up my problems, and blaming them for my behaviour. You told me you were different, and you told me you wanted to be yourself. I gave you the chance to show me who you really were but the truth is, you never changed. You're still that annoying, spoiled little brat who obviously cannot handle a friendship with someone who is older than you. Maybe I'm being a little harsh, but these are all things I learned when you told me you were "different" even though you never "changed" the way you said you were.
Im tired of your shit, and you said you were tired of mine too. We came to an appropriate, and mutual decison that we shouldn't be friends. We said our goodbyes, but yet you then decided that you're going to continue to text me, and call me, and try to be my friend.. Its like you dont understand, and with that being said maybe you are too immature to have a friendship with an older adolescent. I know Im saying that you are the one that is immature, but then again Im writing a note about you... Maybe Im the immature one.. Im showing the everone your true colours, which is immature. I appologize for that, but I never did say I wasnt immature.

Venting time

I've been told that life, is hard. Life can be a bitch. Things come and go. However no one ever told me that in my lifetime I would feel abandoned by my own mother.. She decided to kick me out. We had our fights, and we always worked through them previously, but this time things changed. We weren't making up. We lost communciation for months. When we finally decided to talk to each other again, we had the same old fights over and over again.. she wanted me to accept her boyfriend, the one I never liked. She kept pushing it upon me, until I finally reached the breaking point and set her straight. There was no way I could keep the feelings inside any longer. I felt broken& hurt. Instead of being understanding my mother chose what she always did, her boyfriend. From then on she hurt me in ways I didnt even know she could. She hurt my family, and now our life has been altered greatly. I dont understand how her boyfriend is more important than her child, but now I know I meant little to her, and Im coming to terms with that now.